Fergus Hay interviews Will Tracy, Former Editor of The Onion


Fergus Hay interviews Will Tracy, Former Editor of The Onion


Fergus: Hello and welcome to a very special edition of, where we will be making brave and ballsy predictions for 2013. They will either shower us in success or drown us in disgrace.

I am delighted to welcome Will Tracy the editor of The Onion, the sanctuary of satirical comedy.

Welcome Will and thank you very much or joining us

Will: Thank you for having me.

Fergus: Will, clearly The Onion has enormous power. I’m extremely excited to have you here but I’m also slightly scared.

Will: Well you should be and here’s why. The Onion is the most powerful and dominant media organisation in the world. You may know this, but we own Ogilvy, we own most of the major networks, really all of the major networks. They are all subsidiaries of The Onion incorporated. So in a sense, we may like to fool ourselves that we live in a representative democracy but in fact we live in more of a hyper-exclusive plutocracy controlled primarily by The Onion.

Fergus: Clearly you are the right person to have here if we were to predict what was going to happen in 2013. It kind of assumes you can actually dictate what will happen.

Will: Yes, and the future is very bright for the United States. Our Chinese overlords will be arriving next year to incorporate the former United States into a series of communist provinces known as New Macau.

Fergus: And how will that look?

Will: You’ve seen how China looks it is really just vast. So I think it is going to look somewhat similar to that. All new borders, but really most of what the United States will do from this point forward as a Chinese colony will be to make corrugated siding.

Fergus: Useful.

Will: So yeah. First thing I would do if I were you, I would learn Mandarin and Cantonese just to be safe and I would learn everything I could possibly get my hands on about aluminum siding and the manufacturing of aluminum siding. Cause that is almost certainty what you are going to be doing in the future.

Fergus: So a question for you, who do think will have a bigger impact, apart from you of course on the geo-political and economic landscape in 2013. Do you think it will be Xi’s Politbureau or Psy’s Gangnam Style or Wills and Kate’s unborn embryo.

Will: The last one I know but the first two I don’t know what those words were. There was a serious of pops and buzzes that I heard come out of your mouth. But the last one I knew and that the Royal foetus will probably be the most influential. Well a little over eight months time or about eight months time, the foetus will emerge from the human vessel which it’s been inside as a full reptilian form, the son of the morning star if you will.

Fergus: Right

Will: The anti-Christ…… and assume leadership of the British crown and will in short time assume leadership and dominance over all humanity.

Fergus: So in 2012, the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea celebrated The Onion’s anointment of Kim Jong Un, World’s Sexiest Man. Who will take his mantel in 2013?

Will: Well there’s a lot of talk about that and in 2009 it was taken by Ted Kaczynski, some people think he might repeat. He has been very very sexy lately. We have had a lot of pictures from the maximum-security prison he’s in right now. So a lot of people think there might be a Unabomber repeat. To me he has a look that’s timeless and classic.

Fergus: So Kim is going to be knocked off his pedestal.

Will: It’s hard to say right now, I mean, he’s running so hot right now its hard to see him not be the sexiest man again next year. But I do think the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski will give him a run for his money.

Fergus: Who will social media kill next?

Will: Well I think we will all eventually be killed by social media. I think social media is one of the horsemen of the apocalypse that will eventually bring about the end of civilisation, as we know it.

Fergus: And how will that happen?

Will: Simply by pitting us against each other, much like early man. I don’t know if you have studied at all Cro-Magnon man or Neolithic man I think it will be very similar to that. Social media will almost be like a tool that will be fashioned to beat each other to death.

Fergus: And so it will be….?

Will: It will start with verbal abuse and then will turn into factions almost militias that will form and be pitted against each other. In sort of a large-scale global war.

Fergus: So now that cheap beer, pork products, moustaches and fixies have been taken. What new old thing will hipsters claim?

Will: Slavery, I think they will practice slavery, as it existed in America in the 18th and 19th centuries.

Fergus: And is this good for American and world society?

Will: No but nothing those people have ever done has been good for American society. So I think it will kind of be in line with that.

Fergus: How big……….?

Will: Huge (both laugh) No, keep going……..

Fergus: How big is big data?

Will: Without knowing what big data is it is about the size of this (statue).

Fergus: Huge

Will: However if you stretch it out into a thin filament it can reach from here to here.

Fergus: Wow, and do you think it could radically change our lives in the next year.

Will: No.

Fergus: Could it decorate a wall.

Will: No.

Fergus: Could it confuse a lot of people?

Will: No.

Fergus: Could it do anything?

Will: Yes it can be used as a sort of a light starter before a beef course in a tasting menu.

Fergus: You heard it here big data is just an appetizer. Now what do you think Ahmadinejad’s Klout score will be 2013?

Will: 588 X point K and that will put him just between former Chicago Cubs first base Mark Grace and actor Robert Duvall.

Fergus: Do you think advertising will save the world in 2013? Can they be the Batman to your Joker?

Will: Yes, as we know advertising and marketing has always been probably the greatest force for good in the world. It has made all of our lives much much richer. It has not instilled in us any sort of fear or any anxiety or want of objects we don’t actually require. It is probably the best and most necessary tool that human civilisation has yet produced.

Fergus: So one thing you might say for a mass genocide and global destruction, would be advertising?

Will: Absolutely, no I think advertising is really very effective in genocide. I mean you really can’t run a solid genocide without a really strong voiced advertising campaign backing it up. Something that really has some teeth to it and maybe even a little bit of a sense of humour.

Fergus: Wow, so you can be funny in death?

Will: Yeah, it’s good to be a little bit hip with it.

Fergus: So Will thank you for your prophetic predictions for 2013. You heard it here first, it looks like the death star will be taking over the world, social media will be a weapon of mass destruction that will end all of our lives and the future King of England will be a reptilian satanic animal with nasty vices on the rest of the world. Thank you very much for your time. 2013 is going to be a lot better than 2012.

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